So you think you’ve found yourself a good woman, eh? Your parents like her, she looks great naked, she doesn’t rack up your credit card bill, and she tolerates your disgusting personal habits. You’re envisioning his and hers outfits, monogrammed honeymoon towels, heartfelt wedding invitations, and a bun in the oven.

 

Scratch that. You’re not a chick, and you could give two flying F words about monogramming anything, unless it was your beloved’s lady parts.

 

Although Reader’s Digest did claim that 33% of men are more bothered than women when a partner isn’t romantic. Who knew? You’re basically imagining yourself getting good sex and happiness for the rest of your life with a woman that could stand the test of time.

 

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Your friends say it’s time to pop the question. The Dr. Phil show says she’s marriage-worthy. Your mother wants grandkids, and your dad likes staring at her breasts. Maybe it’s time to search for a nice rock, and not the one that you threw at your first childhood crush, but the kind that glimmers and looks real purty. And why, while you look at that? It’s Christmas time. What a nice gift: a gorgeous, huge, crystal-clear diamond, otherwise known as Women Crack.

 

Women Crack (n.): a jeweled object that makes a woman completely gushy and tolerant of anything you might possibly do to annoy her, like say, everything.

 

But before you saddle that horse Cowboy and start doing your research on something shiny for your lady, you need to read this first. Grab a seat, a beer, and keep your lips sealed. Let me do the talking.

 

She’s not grossed out by you

 

Men are pretty gross sometimes. You forget to flush the toilet. You clip your toenails any which way, and anywhere might I add. You wear t-shirts to bed that I wouldn’t wear in my grave they’re that filthy and disgusting.  Despite all this, she still thinks you’re pretty amazing. She’s comfortable around you, too: look, I’m sure you’ve seen the occasional “Granny panty” when Aunt Flo (that’s menses for those of you who don’t talk female) comes around. You have probably seen her popping a zit (even though that’s the worst skincare habit to get into) in the bathroom, and maybe even watched her puke. That’s love. Isn’t it sexy? If you feel comfortable around her (but don’t turn into a total slob or she’ll divorce you a few years down the line) and she is comfortable around you, chances are she’s worth giving her your name.

 

It’s all about values

 

As ho-hum as this may sound, sharing the same values with your partner is key. Are you guys total opposites? Are you always at odds with each other on big issues? It’s okay if one of you is a scene-stealer and the other a vanilla wallflower, but if your core values don’t match, it’s not going to work no matter how peachy keen things might seem now. You’re at the peak of your Oxytocin rush here. All the hormones, hot sex, and rosy-posey goodness are prime at this stage of your relationship. Give it a few years, some financial duties, and possibly popping out a puppy or two, and the glow could be all but gone if you don’t share some core values.

 

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Every relationship is different, so there’s no real “definitive” list of what values you absolutely must share—those deal breakers are up to you—but here are a few things to consider:

 

Religion. According to statisticbrain.com, 60% of women and 50% of men say religion is important to them. If you’re uber-religious and your dame-in waiting eats bats’ heads like she’s Ozzy Osbourne, you might want to reconsider. After a while, you’ll get sick of the blood on her chin.

 

Morals. If she believes that you need to live life by the rules, and you think cheating on your taxes is just part of getting one over on “The Man,” then you might have a problem. Sharing a common worldview or approach to life makes things easier, especially if you plan on raising kids.

 

Family. If you believe that getting married means having your mother over every Sunday because that’s what a “good boy” does, and she would rather stuff her parents in a body bag and send them out to sea, you’ll lock horns over how involved in-laws should be, and this will deplete that awesome rosy sexy glow you’ve been having ever since you discovered her “spot.”

 

Babies, Babies, Babies

 

It’s important to know now whether your blushing bride wants to carry your spawn or not, and how many she’s looking to make. If you’ve decided you’d rather run over kids with your car and she wants a small soccer team, you’re doomed. Talk about how much or how little you feel like spreading your seed before putting a “ring on it.” Other potential sore spots? Have a serious conversation about how she envisions raising kids. Does she plan on dropping her career and becoming the PTO mom, or does she see a daycare or Nanny in her future? What are you looking for in terms of how your kids are raised? How will you both balance a career and family? If she’s home, what would you be willing to sacrifice financially to keep her at home? While you won’t have all the answers until you’ve got a fresh and wailing babe waddled in a blanket in your arms, you need to see if you’re on the same page.

 

Let’s talk about sex

 

Are you lascivious and is she about as hot as a cube of ice? Does she need you “on the clock,” and could you just stand for a once a week sheet-meet up? You’re not going to share every kink and preference most likely, and one of you will most likely be more horny than the other, but if the sex life is unsatisfactory now, giving her your last name is not going to make the orgasms any sweeter, my pet. If there are any big issues or hidden kinks that you need to have played out, tell her today or else suffer alone with porn for eternity.

 

Sharing is Caring

 

If you and the potential Mrs. share no activities or friends in common, prepare to eventually part ways. If you’re always having fun apart, the time will come when you’ll both realize that the other is too boring for each other. Tighter than fudge? If you do everything together and might just be Siamese Twins, prepare to suffer a nasty fallout at some point. It’s cute when you’re wearing matching outfits…the first few times, but after a while, you’ll start to bore of each other. Have a bit of your own space. If you think men can’t be clingy, think again. I met a dude who asked to take me away for a weekend and sleep over my apartment within the first few minutes of meeting me. All of a sudden, my sick mother needed me.

 

Cliché for Christmas

 

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And if you’ve decided that after reading all this that your broad does indeed pass the marriage-worthy test, please don’t pop the question on Christmas. When I used to tell my mom, “But mom, so-and-so gets to do it,” she’d say “If everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you?” At first I would say no, but as I became “hormonal,” I started to answer yes. Fresh little brat, wasn’t I? The point is, everyone asks on Christmas. If she even has an inkling that wedding bells are going to toll in your future, she’ll expect a little sparkly something under the ol’ Yule Log. There’s no fun in the known. Plan to get on your knees on a different day, but not on Christmas. Plus what if she says no? Then your future Christmases will be ruined by the day you were rejected. Who wants to sit in a bar for the rest of his life during Christmas, crying about how “Some bitch told me no.” If you’re going to get rejected, don’t do it on a national holiday or your birthday. It’s painful enough to get your heart (and balls) crushed.

 

Besides, be an original. Stun her. Wow her. Catch her by surprise. It shows effort.

 

Lessons for my Jedi’s

 

Don’t rush this choice. Remember, when it comes to marriage, the odds are stacked against you. Take your time, ignore family or societal pressures, and go with your heart and brain.  Enjoy the courtship, be good to each other, and enjoy the hot sex now just in case the little beasts come along and try to ruin it all. Damn kids are parasites.

 

About the Author

 

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Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She knows that marriage is harder than it looks, and she wishes her husband would give the “a-ok” for her to have a 20 year-old boyfriend. He wouldn’t take up much space anyway. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.

 

Follow her @LauraLifshitz & on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lauralifshitzwriter

 

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