1. Prolonged Eye Contact, a.k.a. The Deep, Wide-Eyed Stare

If you’re talking to a female and she’s looking at you the same way movie serial killers look at their strangling victims, trust your cinematic instincts. You may not be far off.

2. Torrential Talking

Conversation flow is not only a good barometer of compatibility; it’s also a great way to see how people express who they are. If who she is, is a non-stop deluge of stories, emotions, anecdotes, unsolicited opinions, and diatribes – grab a life preserver, you’re gonna need it.

3. The Wild, Moody Drunk

It’s true what they say about alcohol bringing out peoples’ real selves. If someone’s real, drunk self is standing atop a table cursing you out for something you never did or for the actions of others, best to grab your things and find another table … at another place.

4. The Way-Premature “I Love You”

The Way-Premature I Love You extends beyond just that: if she’s saying it at some point during your second date minutes after you just picked her up– buzzz. If she’s asking you to move in with her before you’ve even stayed overnight– buzzz. If she’s talking about how cute your kids will look, what their names will be, what college they’ll be going to, etc.,.– buzzz, buzzz, buzzz.

5. The Vibe

The Vibe is real, and chances are if you feel it, it’s just a small taste of what’s lurking. Whether it’s through any of the aforementioned manifestations or some other slightly eerie, slightly creepy physical characteristics– if you feel it, run. There is a reason human beings were given animal instincts.

6. Testing Your Limits/Pushing Your Buttons

Very few women can pull this off in a sane, playfully-testing-a-man’s-character type way. If you find a female testing your limits and pushing your buttons early on, it is safer to peace out. Try to imagine how hard she’ll be pushing them once she actually gets to know you.

7. Man-Hater Comments

This one is pretty basic math: if a female starts making “I hate men” type comments, best to accept the glaring invitation to leave. If a woman is bothered enough by men to start verbally lashing out at strangers, there’s no telling what she might do to you in the comfort of her own home. CoughcoughLorenaBobbittcough.

8. She Works/Has Worked/Wants to Work as a Stripper, Prostitute or Stripper Prostitute

It’s very rare to find a sane stripper or prostitute who’s legitimately doing it as a quick way to get back on her feet. Most made a beeline straight to the stage/street, probably as a way to take control of some childhood trauma.

9. Pet Snake

Okay, this is an eighty-percenter, meaning there is a 20% chance she’s not crazy, just into slithery reptiles. But most females who are into snakes usually don’t look like Marilyn Monroe, the look like Marilyn Manson.

Which brings us to number 10:

10. They Look Crazy

Excessive piercings, tattoos, or anything is a breaking of Normal People Rule #1: no excessive anything! Moderation is key, and most importantly – a sign of sanity.

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