It so happens that I know a few couples that are planning to get married soon.  So I guess congratulations are in order, right?

Well, hold on just a minute.  Let’s look at some things first, shall we?

Since the institution of marriage predates recorded human history, we’ve only been able to speculate on the reasons for its origin.  Some say it was to ensure the male paternity of his children.  Some say it was to limit competition between males for any given female.  Whatever the reasons, I think we can all agree that possession and control played a big part.

So now, I have these friends that are planning to get married, three of them.  None of these couples have even been together for an entire year.

So, why so fast?  We’ve all heard the phrase “If its meant to be, it will last.” However, if that’s true then why the need to rush into marriage?  Believe me, the tax breaks aren’t worth making a mistake.

Still, every one of these couples will declare their “love” for each other is “different.”  I assume they mean different from past relationships they’ve had since they couldn’t possibly know if it differs from someone else’s.  So if its so different, why the rush?

Love is a decision we make each and every day.  It’s not magic fairy dust like most people believe it to be.  As we become older, one would think the decision to love would get more experienced and wiser, but when I look around me at these couples, it seems to me they’re just reaching for possession and control.

Want my opinion? Doesn’t matter, I’m going to give it anyways…Possession does not deepen love, but in fact, these days, fractures it. There is no longer a need, in our modern society, for control over a woman, or your children.  We have laws now to protect those things. I will never get married again unless its important to the person I choose because a piece of paper feeds the NEED to be with someone, not the desire. I want to know the person I’m with WANTS to be with me, every single day. Times are a changin’. I find that more often than not, the desire to marry is one begat from control, not desire.

And I love the “marriage makes it harder to walk away” excuse.   I want the person I’m with to be able to walk away at any given time.  Why? So I know every minute they spend with me was a minute they wanted to be with me and not because a ring, or a day in church made them stay.  How unsexy is that?

And then the argument is “Well, there’s always divorce if it doesn’t work out.”  Then why marry in the first place?  To prove your love? In fact, I would argue that all modern marriage does is put more pressure on a relationship.  If you cage an animal, it wants nothing more than to get out, but if you leave the door to the cage open, the animal comes back because it is not, in fact, caged.

If your love is so “different” and “special,” then what will a piece of paper and a ring do for it?  I think if more couples asked themselves that question, our divorce rate would be a lot lower.  I think too few people remember or know that emotions, including love, are decisions, not fairy dust.  No one makes you mad or happy without your consent, whether you know this fact or not.  The same is true for love.
Marriage began in order to quell our animal instincts to have multiple partners in our lifetime, for possession and control.  Have we not become evolved enough to love one person loyally without a collar around our necks?  I’d like to think I have.

So to the friends I mentioned above… How will getting married so quickly change your love for one another?  The fact is that most people NEED to love and be loved.  But I prefer to WANT to love and to know the person I’m with WANTS to love me back.  The fact remains that to even be able to love or be loved, you must love yourself first and be ok being by yourself.  Putting a ring on someone’s finger so quickly only shows the world your aren’t ok with either.  And if any of the friends mentioned above are reading this, instead of getting mad at me, why not ask yourself why you are mad in the first place… because if my opinion isn’t true for you, then you shouldn’t be. But if you are, maybe instead of being mad you should ask yourself that question… How will it change your love? And if it won’t, then why not wait?

3 comments

  1. Hey Matt-

    I liked your article, very well written and concise. It don’t necessarily agree, as I have such a different views on love in itself. It definitely reads as a one-sided opinion on relationships. I don’t think rushing or not rushing is a fair conclusion when it comes to love, as whatever a couple may feel is significant for that time. I think they should do what they feel is right. time is a integral part of life and If you look a little deeper, It’s human existence. In the 1400’s-1900’s women were married off without there control at 13… because the lifespan was about 40 years. Humans now have a lifespan of 80 or so years, if we’re lucky. For thousand of years, the need for humans to settle down and procreate, has been going on since the begin of time. We are genetically predisposed to procreating. It’s a time line humans innately make for themselves whether we have control or not ( or )whether they notice or not. I get it though, reading this is clearly directed towards your friends rushing to get married, it obviously hits a high note. But for someone outside your circle of friends, reading this one might feel plagued for love which I find to be sad.

    Your line “The fact remains that to even be able to love or be loved, you must love yourself first and be ok being by yourself. Putting a ring on someone’s finger so quickly only shows the world your aren’t ok with either” ……..? I disagree. I know myself very well, I love myself, spent years by myself, and I have done a lot of deep rooted work on myself. Not so I could find a guy or get married quickly but because it was necessary for my personal growth. I am someone who at 37 years, without EVER having the desire to get married or have kids, met someone at a bar, got engaged six weeks later (by no means without any pressure— in fact I was utterly shocked, but I said yes because it felt perfect), married six months later in Greece, and have been married now for a year and half. I can honestly say that every passing day I grow more deeply in love with my husband. I wasn’t looking for magic, in fact I was not looking at all, but that magic fair dust did find its way to us. Maybe we’re those lucky ones—but taking chances no matter what the time frame is part of life. -MS

  2. Wow, nice. Look, of course this is a one-sided view as a male is only one side of any relationship. Don’t take this the wrong way but I find women tend to see things in blacks or whites and miss the grey areas.

    Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone. My father got married, not engaged, married, for the second time only three months after meeting his current wife of twenty years. Of course, our generation plays by different rules, but still…

    And it’s funny you mention how it was back when…my grandmother was married AND pregnant at 13 with my aunt. But like I just said, today has different rules. The simple fact of the matter is that STARTING with our generation, people don’t view marriage as seriously as they did before (again, this isn’t black and white, I’m sure you do…and I would also), but what I don’t agree with is that in this generation, that somehow marriage changes your love or “takes it to a new level”. How? I’m sure you would say committment but I can show you couples that have been committed for DECADES WITHOUT a ring and a piece of paper. Committment isn’t an external agreement. It’s an internal one.

    I’m glad its worked out for you but its not only my experience I drew on for this article, I checked my facts. Though our divorce rate has dropped a little over the last decade, the majority of those that fail to this day are those that get married before the age of 25 and those that HAVE BEEN TOGETHER LESS THAN A YEAR BEFORE MARRIAGE.

    So really, I could argue waiting, for MOST people, will only give them a better chance when they do decide to marry. I know how it was 80 years ago, but this isn’t 80 years aqo…you kind of helped my argument with those facts.

    The fact is our generation and the ones that are following do not view an oath the way even my parents did (married 25 year) or my grandparents (married 83 years…yes, 83 years, my grandmother died at 96).

    But you are right, the INSPIRATION for this article was from those three couples I mention and I’m right. ALL three of them are marrying out of possession and control, not “love”. Oh, I’m sure they do love each other but that’s not their motivation for marriage and let’s face it, a LOT of marriages these days, again, with our generation, are born out of possession and control.

    The fact remains, if you love each other, waiting can’t HURT. So why not wait? Why the rush? Again, I see your particular circumstances but they aren’t exactly the norm.

    There are always exceptions to EVERY rule. I guess its just my style of writing and decision making that sparked your comments. And that’s exactly why I write the way I write…to evoke debate. Nothing is worth talking about that isn’t worth debating.

    So…with that in mind, thanks. I enjoyed your comments and I wish you all the happiness in the world (I’m jealous…wish I could find that now…but I won’t settle…oh, I’m also jealous about Greece…always wanted to go there…ahhh, maybe someday.) 🙂

  3. Oh, one more thing. YOUR comment about being by yourself for years. See, again you help my arguement. You got engaged in six weeks, but was alone for years prior, getting to know and be ok with yourself. Most people don’t do that. Those couples I mention…only one person from each couple is my friend and two are women. Both women had been single for less than eight months before getting together with the men they plan to marry, one only three. Both were in long term relationships prior, the one that went nine months was married to her child’s father for ten years. Do you really think she had enough time to heal and get her head straight AND be ok with herself? No way. In fact six months into her being single, I could still see the bitterness in her eyes when talking about that marriage. Do you see? A LOT of people, sometimes I think more than not, do this, go from relationship to relationship, desperately seeking the fairy tale. I bet two of these three marriages will end within three years. I don’t want them to, but I now they will. You may be the exception but there’s no way most people can really get to know the person they are with in a few months. Sometimes people can put on an act for years (trust me, I know from personal experience). But again, why NOT wait? What exactly will a piece of paper and a ring do for their “love”? Love is a decision you make, it isn’t fairy dust. Taking the time to collect the information you need to make that decision is, in MY opinion, the wiser course of action.

    Another thing…if you’ve been married already (and when I say “you” I mean anyone, not you), why the need to rush into another one. The woman that was single three months? Its her THIRD marriage. Silly if you ask me. Repeating the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results is exactly the definition of insantiy. If I had already been married twice, I would surely take my time with deciding to do it again. She rushed into the last marriage and she’s doing it again. Again, silliness.

    I’ve been married once and I truly loved (still do in a way and am still friends with her) her. BUT! We got married shortly after a year of knowing each other and if I had waited even just another year, I wouldn’t have. Again, I truly loved her but after two years with her we just knew we weren’t completely right for each other. Loving someone doesn’t make them right for you. So now I choose to take my time with that decision.

    Again, there are exceptions, but let’s be honest, MOST people should wait and don’t. Silliness.

    Did I say silliness already? 😐

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