According to an article posted on CNN.com, 6 million people were expecting to propose or receive a marriage proposal on Valentine’s Day last year in 2013. I’m curious to know how many of those “6 mil” said yes, and how many of them are still happy. More stats? 64% of men bought flowers for Valentine’s Day, and most of these were red roses. Talk about cliché guys. Whatever happened to being the “OD?” The Original Dude. To boot, only 36% of women were set to buy flowers for the big VD. That’s Valentine ’s Day, and not shorthand for the clap, kids.
As a female, I’d have to say that this whole “holiday” is really geared towards us, the XXers. In my Facebook news feed every Valentine’s Day without fail, I see the comments—from men and women alike.
“Look at all the idiots lined up at the drugstore buying cheap chocolates and flowers on Valentine’s Day. Couldn’t buy anything ahead of time. Look at the lack of effort.”
And like all the other women and men, there I am, lambasting the lazy SOB who couldn’t bother to get it together for Valentine’s Day. Who decided buying a crappy box of chocolates that taste like jellybeans was an act of love? If a woman wants jellybeans, she’ll wait for Easter.
Yeah, I know that Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday. And I know people should show their undying love and slavery each day of the year, but most people don’t so you know what? One day a year on the calendar seems appropriate for this slacker world for people to get it together and have sex like wild animals and act like they love each other for once. Unfortunately though, you men have drawn the shorter straw in the Valentine’s game than women have. The cards. The flowers. The chocolates. The lingerie. All for us,us,us,us, us.
We’re greedy, aren’t we? Okay, so I am not greedy. I always get shortchanged. Since statisticbrain says that the annual Valentine’s Day spending is approximately 13.19 billion, and I am lucky if I see $50 bucks of that, please send gifts to me here. I did it again. Us, us,us, us. In the meantime while you’re all running to get me some Valentine’s Day booty, here are ways to pamper those unappreciated, highly-deserving men in your life this Valentine’s Day. Men folk: share this with your lady friend and be a happy man this February 14th. If you don’t tell her what you want, you’ll never get it. Go for the gold!
Guys are wonderful because they are direct and don’t give out any of those passive-aggressive comments that chicks do. Just give him sex. For the love of all things great and green, just give the guy sex. Don’t complain about it. Don’t withhold it if he messes up, unless he acts like a real jerk, but otherwise, let the small stuff slide and give the man what he wants: you.
But Do I Have To Be Kinky About It?
You don’t have to break out the Kama Sutra in order to make his heart go pitter-patter on V day, (pretty sure male hearts don’t operate that way anyway, at least not that vital organ) but you should make an effort. It doesn’t mean wearing crazy lingerie, although it would be advisable to ditch the period panties, Ugg boots, sweats, yoga pants, and cartoon character t-shirts for just one day. The exception to the rule about cartoon characters is if he happens to be a “furry.” You also don’t have to invite over your cute best friend or watch one of his cheesy porn movies (good girls might just wanna show their men a porn they like as a party bonus), but it does mean focusing on his needs and his needs only. At least for a little bit.
A Man’s Heart Is Located Nowhere. Retreat For The Stomach
Guys like to eat. Hell, I like to eat. Cook him something. If you’re not a good cook, don’t give up just yet. Believe me, I just learned where the broiler is in my oven. I have still yet to use it. Get a simple recipe, and work it. If it comes out tasting nasty, admit defeat and order food in. If you’re very charming, ask a culinary-gifted friend ahead of time to help you. Buy her chocolates and flowers so she can get a gift, since you know her dude is gonna forget her anyway. She may give the two of you a lapdance in appreciation.
A full stomach can make a man feel like royalty. It also taps into those childhood memories of meals his momma or grandmomma made him, and a man’s mother is often his first love. Tapping into that “love memory” is never a bad thing, unless his mom or grandmom happen to be psychopaths. Besides, do not doubt the power of fillet mignon, unless he happens to be a vegan. In which case, good luck with that.
With The Boys
While you don’t need to give him the night off on actual Valentine’s Day, when was the last time your guy had a night out with his friends? Men need to get together with their tribal men. They need to be loud, act goofy, and act like idiots without us around, and just in the company of other men. They need to stare at other women (not touch) without the understandably angry glares from you. If he’s socially awkward or incredibly lazy, phone his friends and set up a night for him. Give him permission to go wherever he wants, even if you don’t like what he’s doing, as long as it’s legal, and he doesn’t bring home any unwanted diseases. Letting loose will allow your man to come back happy and relaxed for you, and that’s when you can ask him for a nice favor or purty gift. It has to be about us sometimes, right?
Buy him a prezzie. Get him a gadget that will make his eyes bulge and his heart softens with love for you. Don’t worry, if you’re wearing the right thing, he will be at attention in all the right places. You can get a Samsung Galaxy S4 mini for just .99 cents at uSell Wireless. While it might be called a mini, it will create a huge place of undying thanks in your man’s chest space where a heart is located. If he’s more of a full-size guy, snatch him a Samsung Galaxy S4 or a Nokia Lumia 521, both priced at $139.99. Don’t have enough funds, but you do have a busted gadget or old device that you’re not using anymore? Sell it back at uSell.com. uSell has made its customers over $13 million in cash for selling their old devices. Even badly damaged phones can command cash. Get some money to fund your baby what he really wants!
While I said you didn’t need to go crazy, if you’ve got a particularly wild one, dressing up in his favorite “fantasy’ wear will only yield great results. Did he hunger for his old math teacher? Or does he like to play sick? Start trying on costumes now. If you want to make a good impression and work some brownie points in at the same time, treat your man well this Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing like good old-fashioned effort to make someone take you seriously.
With Love & Fudge Sauce,
About the Author
Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She makes a great catholic school girl and nurse, but cooks a terrible steak. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.
uSell has helped customers earn over $11 million for selling back their used phones. Because we believe in doing good for the environment, we’re proud to say that we’ve kept over 170,000 cell phones out of landfills. Today, people are savvy about their electronics. They either want to upgrade to the latest and greatest gadgets fast or give their old devices a second life. We’ve created a marketplace around those two desires. In just three easy steps, our customers can connect with over 50 professional buyers to get instant cash offers, hassle free. uSell is transforming recommerce one cell phone at a time.
For more information, please visit http://www.usell.com/.