When it comes to chocolate and sex, I admit the comedienne in me initially thinks of funny stuff like the Chef from South Park singing “Chocolate Salty Balls,” or Eddie Murphy writhing on stage in a band called “Sexual Chocolate” in the movie Coming to America. But of course that’s after I think about how potentially messy chocolate and sex could be. Whenever I think of food and sex, the movie 9 ½ weeks with Kim Basinger and the formerly good-looking Mickey Rourke comes to mind. Do you remember how sloppy that was? While it was damn sexy, the OCD in me just can’t fathom being force fed with stuff dripping all over me as if I were a rabid beast, but with that said, no woman in her right mind can deny the amazing taste of chocolate.
Chocolate does contain Tryptophan: part of the building block of serotonin — a brain chemical involved in sexual arousal and Phenylethylamine: a stimulant related to amphetamine, a chemical released in the brain when people fall in love. Fact is researchers have not been able to find actual scientific proof that chocolate is an aphrodisiac despite these said ingredients, (maybe due to the small amount of chemicals that’s actually present in your favorite Godiva snack?) but people still believe chocolate qualifies as one, so what the hell?
If you want to really get that broad all riled up this Valentine’s Day, and you’re doing your best to position yourself for some oral, here are my suggestions on how to use woman’s best friend— second to a battery-powered object, and third to an older rich man about to die with a great life insurance policy — in the bedroom.
Lick it up baby. Lick. It. Up.
Remember how your mother said not to lick the ice cream bowl when you were done because it’s rude? That doesn’t apply when it comes to using chocolate syrup or body sauce. Lick it up baby! Why not try Kama Sutra Chocolate Body paint? In three tasty flavors: milk chocolate, dark chocolate raspberry, and rich caramel, instead of writing a love note or giving a massage to your woman, why not spell out what you like about your partner’s naked body and then lick it off?
Kama Sutra Chocolate Body paintRetails for $10. Woman not included.
Feed me Seymour, Feed me!
Look, when it comes to the kitchen, I am best kept out of it. If you are also cooking-impaired like myself, (hey—some men can cook and make the best chefs!) why not try shocking some life into that dull sex routine with a little chocolate fondue? All it takes is a fondue set — why not try Mastrad’s Chocolate Fondue Set and some chocolate. There’s something intimate about feeding your partner; the messiness of the act itself — dripping chocolate everywhere — can make people loosen up so to speak! Pair it with some wine and some good-old fashioned eye contact, (eye contact is a direct invitation to someone you’re attracted to; even Baboons maintain eye contact when wanting to mate!) and you’re starting up a fun and tasty evening.
If you’re not a fan of wine, and you and your main babe prefer the taste of a delicious beer or five, try Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout by Brooklyn Brewery. With just a few bites and sips, oral could be in the cards for you.
Side-tip: if she’s playing with her hair, chances are she wants some action. Make your move bro!
Blindfold, please
Now I am one of the few women who didn’t read the Fifty Shades of Grey series, but why not add a little blindfold and chocolate into your sexual activities? Feed your lover as she guesses what you’re feeding her. And hey — don’t you dare tell me that there’s not a difference between citrusy-orange chocolates and slightly sweet dark raspberry chocolate, man. You’re just a novice. This little act could up the fun factor, especially if you slip her something else during your feeding. Just not an actual roofie. Please. Add an extra ten points if she’s willing to let you tie her up as well, and add the chocolate sauce in for a slight S and M experience that won’t leave your babe’s bodacious behind and legs with nasty welts.
Sudsy and sultry
Ladies love a bubble bath…and any guy will gladly admit how much he loves the sight of a woman all lathered-up, naked and wet. Try Philosophy Classic Fudge Cake Shampoo, Shower Gel & Bubble Bath. Retails for $26. Even if the game plan wasn’t sex, after a relaxing bath, sex will be more enjoyable, and easier to get with a relaxed woman, and hey, a clean one can’t hurt either! Why not try a little water play and join her in the tub? Couples that have fun together stay together.
Classic Fudge Cake Shampoo, Shower Gel & Bubble BathThe Bottom Line
When it comes down to it, a little food and sex never hurt, especially when it involves the many delectable of chocolate. For those of you whose chicks are too shy to try any of the above suggestions, give her the Godiva Art of Appreciation gift basket. It can never hurt. If it can cure PMS, chocolate just might bring sexy back to the bedroom, where it should be.
About Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez
Laura Lifshitz-HernandezLaura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.
Follow her @LauraLifshitz & on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lauralifshitzwriter.
