It’s almost the year 2014, yet some of you men still haven’t learned the proper art of the F word. That’s right, the four-letter F word. There’s nothing cute about slobbering all over a lady when you’re drunk, with the hopes that she might take you home. There’s nothing cute about pawing at a woman as if you were a bear, and she were a honeycomb.
News Flash, Nick Nolte: It’s not sexy to bang a guy who’s three sheets to the wind.
There’s nothing cute about a man who wanders aimlessly down south when sampling the pie.
News Flash Wandering Willie: Take directions this one time. Please.
Because I love men and find you all to be rather filthy, yet still worthwhile creatures, I’m going to give you some pointers to help expand your bedroom repertoire. If you already know these tips, please send me your numbers. I have a whole host of women waiting to be wowed.
Giving oral to a female can be an exhausting task. Why? Because a lot of men wander down there aimlessly as if they were just discovering the New World. Listen Christopher Columbus: it’s not as hard as it looks. There are two basic skills required to complete the task successfully: tenacity and direction. If you can’t handle this then simply retreat with the rest of the boys.
Head for the Mountain:
While there’s no need to totally blow off the rest of the vaginal area, you should pay most of your respects to the man (or woman if you want to be pro-female) in the mountain, otherwise known as the clitoris. Focus all of your oral energies on pleasing your missus in this area. Now that you know where to go, how do you make a plan of attack?
First off, don’t think you’re too good of a man to ask for help. Asking a woman how she likes it and encouraging her to vocalize when you’re screwing up or if you’ve hit a goldmine is crucial to winning the oral sex game. Plus, while we enjoy creativity in the bedroom overall, stick to what works. There’s nothing that rattles my clitoral “boner” more than when a man does something right and he decides to switch it up. Your jaw may hurt and your tongue may ache, but changing the strategy is for wusses. Learn the right method and it will get easier as you go. Leave the creativity for sexual position and scenarios. Do not, whatever you do, retreat from the righteous path sir. You will be down there for centuries.
Don’t lick her as if she were a postal stamp. If you’re not successful, enlist your friend the vibrator—don’t be jealous or make it your enemy. It’s a useful tool. Use fingers in all the erogenous zones—and yes, that includes anal unless she’s too conflicted in the matter. In which case, Freud would say she’s stuck in the anal stage, and missing out. (Just my two cents.)
Break Out Your Filth
While there are some things we would rather just not know about your sexual preferences, like your daily masturbation ritual involving your old gym teacher (frankly we thought she was a bitch) share with her some of your porn, or maybe some thoughts you’ve had, but were too afraid to mention. Society has this “rumor” going around that men are all so sexual and confident when it comes down to the deed, but most of you have quite a few closeted fantasies and rigid ideas when it comes to real life between the sheets. Share that dirty part of you and you may find her willing to open up.
Pandora’s box can be rather fulfilling to open. And if BDSM is your bag of tricks, you may want to visit the actual Pandora’s Box in New York City, a professional domination BDSM studio. If you’re trying to wrap your legs around what BDSM means, then we’ll have to speak at a later date sir.
Stop Being Lazy
I hear a lot of dudes complain about the lack of variety in their sex lives, or the frequency of the acts, yet many of you show up to bat wearing the same old crap, with the same beer gut, and have the same old approach. There’s nothing sexier than you draped across the couch watching sports and shouting, “Hey will I get some tonight?” That’s just rubbish. If you want something, you need to put effort in. Obviously there are no versions of male lingerie (I don’t think) unless you’re into cross-dressing, but maybe you could you know, run a little?
Clip your toenails? Shave? Or don’t, if she likes you furry. Try to act like you care about looking good for us? Or if you want to pop the question, you might want to try to be creative or make the offer more desirable. If you’ve ever buttered your dame up by offering a massage, you know the card I am playing here. Asking her if she wants a rubdown, is an absolute yes my friend.
Ladies, if he’s making the effort, try to suck it up and dive in even if you’re not in the mood. No one likes to give a massage for free!
Lacking Confidence? Don’t Slush Up
As stated in the beginning of this diatribe, while men want confident women, we too want our men confident. If you need to drink excessively in order to get us in the sack, chances are you will be alone with PornHub for another night. This also goes for men who brag too much about their money, stare at themselves, groom longer than we do, or go all “emo” on us. Whining, narcissism, or moneybags mentality reflect a lack of self-esteem, and we have no interest in sleeping with a Ken doll. We didn’t even want him back when we were five, and he had plastic hair and no genitals. Confidence is the winning trait that will land us in pretzel-like positions in your bed every night.
If life as a naked duo is absolutely shabby, or you’re noticing women leaving you the second they have sex with you, take this quick assessment. How long do you wait between making out and going straight for her pants? If you’re like a bulls-eye, going for the target within seconds, back off. You’re not thirteen anymore. We’re like ovens women: we need some time to heat up. If you try to stick the turkey in the oven before it’s hot, it’s going to taste like crap. Slow down, hombre.
If you find that your partner or successive partners are not getting off, you need to enlist help: ask them what you did wrong. It’s never fun to hear the wretched truth, but a little constructive criticism can go a long way, and leave you accompanied in bed, instead of tossing off in a sock throughout 2014.
If You Screw Up
When in doubt, if you do the wrong thing or turn her off, offering a massage to appease her nerves or begging for forgiveness will usually work. If you’ve decided to dress up in role-play clothes and she thinks your Postman costume reminds her of your creepy uncle, just proceed to beg and then offer oral. If she kicks you, you might have to just sleep on the couch.
Learning the art of talking dirty is especially useful for bedding the ladies. Women like stories, drama, and intrigue. Practice your story-telling skills. If you happen to be homely but funny or witty as hell, use this as your bedside sword, and clothes will start dropping faster than flies.
Auld Lang Syne
All of my tips are tried and true. I will never steer you wrong my friend. And if you find nothing I say works for you, in a last act of desperation, let old acquaintances NOT be forgot. Call someone who used to like having sex with you a lot. Hopefully she’ll pick up the phone.
With Love and Spanking,
About Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez
Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She’s always in character and believes in the power of persistence, so sometimes, she’s got to knock a man out to get his attention. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.