It’s a problem older than time: your ladyfriend’s sex drive is lacking that, or she thinks getting on top is kinky. What’s a gent to do? You want to coax that tiger cat right out of her stockings, but if you’re too forceful you’ll find yourself sleeping on a hard couch or worse, peddling for pennies on the street in your skivvies, and rightfully so. How do you get the va-va-voom out of your dame?
When Lifestyles polled the Nation on ‘The Buzz of Vibrators,’ asking, “Would you like to incorporate sex toys into your normal routine?” men responded favorably as *36% open to it, yes by 23%, and 15% of men said they’re doing it and want to continue so (view the full info-graphic here). And while a vibrator can be a huge help with sealing the deal—You XY’ers find making your partner orgasm as your most favorite part of sex, according to Lifestyles— you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that this sex toy is free, and sponsored by your mouth (including various parts of the brain).
Guys, you’re not living in space or the fifth dimension. You’ve heard women prattle on with their counterparts about what you consider to be the most inane topics. We like to talk. We have memory like elephants, and we’re linguistically wired. Talking dirty is one more way to break the jaguar from the cage. When you use your gift of speech, you’re tapping into a sexual well that can only bring forth the good stuff my friend!
If you’ve ever been the shy guy in bed trying desperately to whisper a few, “I’ll screw you harder,” you’re probably already turning green on the topic. The good news is, I’ve got some straight pointers for those of you who still wouldn’t curse in front of your moms, and for those of you who need a severe dose of soap in that throat. You’ll also be thrilled to know that some chicks don’t want the “Have you been a good boy?” type of banter. Some just want to hear those three little words, and they’re not always “I love you,” but if you’re already in bad shape with the Missus, it can’t hurt to throw it out there.
Crime and Punishment
Dostoyevsky’s tomb is a heavy read, but this isn’t about literature. If you’ve got a dame who likes it a little rough in bed, or has mentioned how much she likes men in uniform, you’re going to have to play bad cop. While it might take her a little by surprise if she hasn’t already asked you to “spank her,” test out her love for bedroom loquaciousness by asking her simply, “Do you want it hard?” or “You know, you’ve been bad.” If she looks at you as if she’s wondering if you just got a lobotomy, you know she’s not ready for verbal. But if she smiles and says, “Yes, harder please,” you know you’ve got a woman who needs a little lashing, verbally. Phrases like, “You better fuck me good,” and “Stop being a bad girl and behave,” will probably get you the kind of head action you’ve only seen on Pornhub.
Be the Bitch
If you ask her if she’s been good and she turns the tables on you and tells you that you’ve been “a bad boy and it’s time for mommy,” prepare to be the submissive my friend. Answer her back like a timid little kid and she will be riding you into 2020.
Men like visuals and women love scenarios. You might not be the type to get in full on costume, or even feel like pretending to be the “Principal,” but your lady might find it appealing if you tell her she needs to pull over so you can frisk her. If she responds by saying, “But officer, I wasn’t speeding,” you know you’ve got an actress on your hands. You can maximize the fun by adding handcuffs, but really a little linguistic scene playing should be enough to set the mood on high. If you ask her to do a strip search and she mumbles, “What the hell are you doing?” she’s probably not apt to fall into these character roles. If she balks, pull back on your acting technique. If you find her unable to get out of character, pull out a few of these memorable verbal stunts: tell her you’re new in town and see if she’s into the “sex with stranger” dynamics, or the teacher and student affair. She might never call you by your actual first name in bed again.
If you can speak another language and have never talked to her in a dirty or romantic way in bed before with it, you’re stupid. Yeah, I’m that harsh. Name me one woman who doesn’t like a man who has an exotic air about him, and I can guess she’s probably not alive anymore. Capitalize on these hidden strengths men.
No, Thank You
Some women don’t want to be told she’s been “bad,” or that “you’re putting her under arrest.” These ladies are a bit shy or modest, and find that type of thing distasteful. While you may need to learn this the hard way, (hey nothing good worth having comes easy) there are other ways to be verbose that will entice this high-class lady, or any woman for that matter. Tell a woman she looks beautiful. If you’re Don Juan, you could probably narrate every inch of her body in a way she would love, but if you’re the nervous type, just hit up one area of her body that you love, and tell her. Her thighs? She may hate them, but when you tell her how much you like them, it makes a huge difference. An apple from your teacher? Be genuine. Don’t tell her what she wants to hear—tell her what really makes you stand at attention.
Moral of the Story
Sometimes you need to take a chance Boys. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so it’s time to try something different, even if it means your broad gives you a funny look. Unless she was born in 1810, (in which I case I would like to know why you’re into corpses) women can be more sexually flexible than you think. Harness the powers of oral language in your sheet affairs based on your own comfort level, and have some fun.
All straight-sex and no kink, makes Jack a very dull boy.
A woman who gets into character
About Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez
Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She’s always in character and believes in the power of persistence, so sometimes, she’s got to knock a man out to get his attention. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over.