Okay, so you’re a multiple-year senior, you’re damn near 30, and your student loans are accumulating almost as many zeros as the national deficit. It’s time to declare a major, see it through, and get your damn degree. At this point, it doesn’t matter what you get it in, as long as you get it. Here then, is a list of popular majors, what they’ll require of you, and some possible career opportunities. Congratulations bro, it’s been a long, hard sixteen years but there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel.
Be Ready To: Read, study, and discuss a bunch of old, dead white guys.
Possible Careers: Teacher, Professor, Journalist, Writer, English Tutor in China
Be Ready To: Kill yourself if you’re not naturally inclined to do math.
Possible Careers: Teacher, Professor, Engineer, Professional Gambler
Be Ready To: Not only study boring things, but their even more boring origins.
Possible Careers: Starbucks Barista or Manager at Wal-Mart
Be Ready To: Have the joy of watching movies stomped to death by over analysis, snobby criticism, and unsolicited opinions of how “they” would’ve done it better.
Possible Careers: Producer, Director, Actor, Stagehand, Lighting, Sound, Waiter
Be Ready To: Read, write, study, discuss, and argue more than you ever have in your life, or will likely do again.
Possible Careers: Attorney, Legal Rights Advocate, Ambulance Chaser, Person Relatives Call For Legal Advice Whenever They Want to Sue Someone
Be Ready To: Study your ass off, or research good medical schools in Mexico.
Possible Careers: Doctor, Physical Therapist, Chiropractor, Vet
Be Ready To: Read thick, convoluted texts, ask tons of questions, and get no answers.
Possible Careers: Unpaid Philosopher, Professor, General Annoying Person at Parties
Be Ready To: Declare a major often referred to as “cake” or “I had to declare something!”
Possible Careers: Social Worker, Activist, Anything Else
Be Ready To: See where skinny jeans originated, and where the bifocal industry makes most of its revenue.
Possible Careers: Scientist, Teacher, Astronaut, Extra on The Big Bang Theory
Be Ready To: Crunch numbers, study trends, worship Ben Bernanke.
Possible Careers: Financial Analyst, Teacher, Broker, Banker, Embezzler
Be Ready To: Learn the business techniques, strategies, and approaches you will utilize in today’s marketplace before your mid-life crisis at 40.
Possible Careers: Business Owner, Business Manager, General Slave in a Monkey Suit
Degree: Computer Science/IT
Be Ready To: Compete with a bunch of snot-nosed tech-geeks who speak better HTML than English.
Possible Careers: Web Designer, Technical Support, Computer Tech, Shut-In