Guys probably don’t care so much if they don’t have a valentine. Gee, would you look at that? I don’t have to drop dough on some over-priced dinner or buy some roses that will wilt in three days. To the rest of you–enjoy shelling out the cash, suckas. But maybe deep down, you are a bit lonely. Or okay, let’s not stretch it. Maybe you’d just like to get laid or have an excuse to go out and be wild. Or have a better-looking babe around than your friends.
Whether you’re the type who likes to take any holiday as a chance to party— you were the guy suggesting a night out at a wild club to pick up chicks in celebration of President’s Day last year— or the sensitive-souled type who just wants a “real” woman he can call his own, take my advice and you’ll have a Valentine’s Day to remember, sans teary-eyed drama or fights from some crazy broad.
What Stays in Vegas
Have it all out. Valentine’s Day is on a Friday this year. Get your boys together, and go out for a wild night. Maybe this means going to a burlesque show, or if you’d like your view to be up close and personal, why not head out to the strip club? There’s no woman in your life to tell you no. In fact, if you have the cash, why not go on an overnight with the guys, set aside some cab fare, and plan on keeping whatever happens between the men folk.
Am I advocating you to pay for sex? Well, I’m not, but hey if that’s what you need for the night, just remember, you’re your own valentine this year kid. Go out and get what you need. I’m not looking, and I won’t tell your mother.
A Little Lady-Bashing
Men aren’t apt to whine to each other about their women problems; instead, they’ll find another woman to whine to. Possibly a sympathetic friend or a sister. Why not grab the guys, get some cold beer, turn some sports on the boob tube, and just have your own little bitch fest. Or, simply state—no female talk allowed. We’re not all sunshine and kittens. I’ve watched as my guy friends got pissed on from women before—cheaters, gold-diggers, and more. Give yourself the night to relax, and declare all women be gone!
Besides the cute bartender of course, if you happen to be out watching sports at a bar. You better be nice to her or watch as your drinks start to weaken, or the beers disappear.
Grab the poker chips, hit an ATM, pick up some beer or good liquor, break out the Cuban cigars, hit up your friends, tidy up your house—hell, leave it dirty…your friends wouldn’t expect any less—and if you’re a foodie, prep some appetizers. If you’re lazy like me, order something. This, my friends, is poker night. The night when the boys become men, or the boys go home. Broke. Let your wit unfurl, and your favorite porn stories be shared. There are no women to be seen—unless you do a late night booty call— but this night my friends, is male-bonding at its finest. There’s nothing like a competitive game involving money amongst men to make you feel at peace with the world.
Okay, so no guy would ever say that. Least probably no straight dude ever. Maybe I should go take a poll.
The Booty Call
Look, there’s got to be someone or a few someone’s you filthy animal in your iPhone or Android contact list who might also be looking to not be lonely. Is it such a crime to just ask a lady over for a drink and maybe some food? Do your best to not be a jerk about it, so be sure to be kind. Remember, ladies can be sensitive about being “alone” on Valentine’s Day, so this isn’t the night to be a lazy fool and just invite her over for a quickie. At least grab a pizza with her. And whatever you do, be straight with your bed buddy for the night that this is not romance. Otherwise, prepare yourself to be the victim of some severe ball-punching perhaps.
The Female Friend
Maybe you’re the kind of guy that really wants a relationship. Why not consider, the Female Friend? She’s cute, fun, nice, and puts up with your garbage. Your friends like her too. Maybe this is the night you can bridge the gap between friendship and relationship. Just don’t go overboard or you might scare her.
Put on some Morrissey, and lock your doors. Avoid everyone. You don’t need anyone to make you feel good tonight. You can cry or quote Shakespeare. You can watch a movie or masturbate. This is just a holiday designed by Hallmark and the jewelry industry to make men go broke. Remind yourself of this and that Morrissey, of the Smiths fame, is supposedly celibate for a reason. Women. Are. Trouble.
Go to the gym. Release some much needed stress and tension and watch as you feel your body relax. Who needs a date and sex, when you can get a natural high from lifting weights or going for a run? Just don’t drop the weights like a fool, or stare at yourself in the mirror. You get five demerits just for staring at your abs in the gym mirrors. I don’t care how nice they are. You look like a fool. Yeah, I’m taking to you. And put your weights back, jerk.
If you’re a depressive but don’t want to be alone, just drink. Drink until you feel good enough to tolerate your loneliness, but not so much that you puke. No one likes a puker. Go to a local bar where everyone knows your name—and address, in case you need a ride home—and feel better when you’re surrounded by your friends. Well, you hope they’re your friends, but you’re a bit too—hiccup—sloshed to notice.
If you are a shy man or are looking to meet someone, take the night to think about what you want. Write down the absolute must-haves your future woman should have. Write down the deal breakers. Get a clear picture in your head of who you want in your life, and then laugh because you’re going to be a lonely SOB forever, and that woman doesn’t exist.
Make it a goal to date more. Whether that means giving people a chance you wouldn’t normally, or just making an online dating profile, put yourself out there. You won’t meet someone if you’re simply hanging out in the same social groups that you’re always in. In fact, you might also be missing out on someone good by being so selective that you don’t give anyone outside of your comfort range a chance. Get flexible, buddy!
This is just another day for you. Be happy being single. Enjoy as many or as few women as you like, just be careful to wrap that stuff, man.
In The End
It’s just another Friday night, so if you’ve got Cupid’s Arrow in your ass, heart, or groin…or if you could care less, you now have the necessary tools to survive Valentine’s Day alone, thanks to me. Which in short, means you should send me a prezzie.
With gentle nagging, lots of love, and a slap on the tush,
About the AuthorLaura Lifshitz-Hernandez
Laura Lifshitz-Hernandez is a blonde pint-sized tour de force of wit, smiles, and neuroticism. A comedienne, writer, and former MTV personality, she will work for self-validation and chocolate. She makes a great catholic school girl and nurse, but cooks a terrible steak. To read her rantings on sex, love, parenthood, and memoir excerpts, dash over to: http://frommtvtomommy.com/. She likes to make friends with strangers.