For most of us, intimacy is an integral part of a relationship.
But the type of intimacy people want and desire varies.
For some of us, this means regular sex, while for others, more subtle forms of intimacy may be more important—a cuddle, hand-holding, that sort of thing. The important point to realize here is that everybody is different.
Of course, since everybody’s different, it may be difficult to know exactly what it is that your partner requires in your relationship, especially when you’re still getting to know each other. However, figuring each other out in terms of intimacy is essential, but the most important part is communication.
If you want to know what your partner wants, you need to ask. Likewise, if you want something from your partner, you need to tell them.
But what about when it goes beyond just general types of intimacy? Although it’s not something that’s commonly spoken about, the truth is, most people have intimate, sexual desires that they don’t share freely with their partner. It may be because they’re embarrassed by them or because they’re concerned about what their partner will think. This tends to lead to people in monogamous relationships never exploring these ideas and never truly being honest about their intimate desires.
However, it doesn’t need to be that way.
Times are changing. Sex is becoming less taboo and sexuality is far more understood.
So, if you have sexual, intimate desires that you’re just aching to explore and you want to hear about what turns your partner on too, here are a few ways to get them to share.
Talk About Parts of Your Sex Life That Are Going Well
Two of the main reasons people tend to be anxious to talk about sex, even if it’s with a long-term partner, is because they’re embarrassed about their performance or they’re shy to express their wants and desires.
The best way to start dealing with this issue is to talk about the positives. What’s going well? What are you really enjoying? Have you tried something new recently that you like?
By starting off by focusing on the good, you’ll be entering the conversation from a place of positivity and, perhaps, even confidence. Knowing that your partner enjoys you and vice versa will help motivate each other to be open and try new things.
Because people are often self-conscious about their sexual performance, you definitely don’t want them to think that you’re bringing up new suggestions because you’re unhappy with the status quo.
By starting off by pointing out the positive, you’ll emphasize the fact that you aren’t looking for a change because your sex life is bad, you’re just considering additional fun.
Explore Different Ways in Which You Could Spice Up Your Sex Life
Being open to understanding and looking into different options can be a really important step to take with your partner, whether you’re realistically considering trying something new or not. For instance, this may be talking about having a threesome or potentially involving new or different toys in the bedroom.
Once you start talking about sexual topics that are a little bit out of your personal comfort zone, it’ll become easier for both of you to speak about your sexual desires.
In fact, you may find that by talking about common desires and fantasies, you’ll inadvertently bring up a fantasy, fetish, or desire that one of you is into—that way, it’s not much more of a jump to start talking about it as a real possibility.
And if there’s something that doesn’t appeal to you or your partner, you don’t have to try it. But talking about it gets it out in the open and could lead to other things you’re both keen on doing.
Encourage Each Other To Communicate During and After Sex
Communication is key in relationships.
We all know this, but it’s also a really important part of sex and intimacy. Now, we’re not saying you need to conduct a full-on conversation the entire time unless that’s what you want of course. It’s more about keeping communication channels open so that you both feel comfortable expressing your feelings if and when necessary.
This should be about what you like, what you don’t like, and everything in between.
Once you become more open with your communication about the little things, the easier and more natural it’ll become to start talking about the things you may not have spoken about before, like your more intimate desires. So, the strategy really is to start small and get comfortable. The rest will follow (wink, wink).
Tell Your Partner About Your Intimate Desires
Following on from opening up communication channels, one of the best ways to encourage your partner to talk about their desires and fantasies is to open up about yours.
Raise what’s on your mind. Talk about what you want to try or even what you’ve tried together. That way, you’ll be able to break the ice and open the conversation up to new possibilities.
It’s also a good idea to talk about what you battle with sexually. Perhaps you want to last longer or you sometimes struggle to maintain an erection? If your partner knows this, you can come up with ways to work on these stumbling blocks together.
Create a Judgement-Free Environment
So many people hold back from opening up about sexual and intimate desires and fantasies because they’re scared of judgment, even from their partners!
It’s totally normal to be unsure of what your partner may think of your feelings. But the best way to make the situation more comfortable is to encourage and foster an environment that’s free of judgment.
This doesn’t mean that you need to say yes to whatever your partner wants to do and pretend that you’re into it if you’re not.
What it means is that you should never make the other person feel embarrassed or judged for expressing what they want. Even if you’re not comfortable doing what they want—because that’s absolutely fine—try to be open to talking about it and never make your partner feel weird.
Create An Intimate Connection
If you can get your partner to open up and share their intimate desires, your sex life could go from awesome to off-the-charts incredible. This kind of sharing also strengthens your bond and makes your relationship even better, not just in the bedroom, but out of it too.